Author: L Copyright © 2007
Location: Kuwait
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It’s not about being tough! I fucking want to yell out to this world. I hate it, I hate my life, I hate this life. I hate this world! Why the fuck am I here? I am missing the point of it all. Is there even a point? Seriously, is there a point why I’m here, why I am who I am? Why am I alive? Why am I in this life? What’s the point of me losing my mind when I can give up at my own will and seriously be a lot happier; way happier? What is the damn point! Why am I even alive? To recognize God? I know he’s there! What else is there? Fate?
Maybe it’s about time I chose my own fate, damn it! When am I going to start making my own choices? When will I decide? People have choices in life. But, where the fuck are mine? God gives and takes, and gives and takes, and gives and takes. What if you don’t want anything? Why does he take? He has everything! Why are we chess pieces in this life? We have a mind of our own, but no power to control our lives or fates! Are we robots? We blindly do things not knowing the true answers. What are the answers, damn it? I want to know!
And I want my grandma back right now! Why did he take her away? What did we do that is so bad to violate his laws to take her life away? It’s like a sick way of saying, “You never know what you have until you lose it.” I learned my mistake. Now bring her back. If he loved her so much, why couldn’t he just let her be? Why take her away if he has everything? I don’t have faith.
What if he didn’t exist? No one knows the true history behind this bloody world. Science is the only thing that can come close to it! Science is able to prove everything. History books cannot be trusted! People invent religions and rewrite books and change rules. What if he’s not there? What if this whole thing was made up? The Quran determined a lot of things that are happening now in the future, but it’s broad, as broad as a psychic telling you about your life.
Aren’t all of our lives the same in a way? Your horoscope, fortune cookies; they all make sense. Disasters are bound to happen; every person has the same weakest points. Similar thoughts, similar everything. There’s always a good and bad thing, rules in life, family, school, wherever you are, the rules are the same. You do good, you get something good in return (right!). You do bad, you’ll get bad.
The “Holy” Quran doesn’t say anything new, and no one ever knows if it’s true or not! There are people who pray to God and ask for something, and when they get it, they go; “Oh, that’s because of God!” What if it was just luck? Superstition? Because sometimes you are one hell of a good person. You pray to God, and you never get what you want. Bad luck? God takes the lives of younger ones because they are mostly “loved,” and God gives long lives to the ones he mostly loves. Contradiction? What does he like? “Khair al ber ma qal wa dal?” Oh really? Haven’t we had cases that contradicted this like; “khair al amoor al wasa6?”
Let’s get a drink! I’m not getting drunk. I’m just allowing a mellow mood for a nice conversation. Fine, no alcohol, but don’t you think any good ruling system would say no drugs, no alcohol, and no sex? Everyone knows people get out of control. Unpredictable. So saying “no” to all of these things eliminates a lot of bad things from happening. I respect that system.
Pork is bad for you when science says the opposite. Contradictions! Well, coffee and cigarettes are bad for you, too. Too much red meat is bad for you also, so why pork? Is it because someone was pissed at Christian westerners who decided to make rules for Arabs? We eat cow, they eat pig? We marry more than one, they marry one. They have alcohol, we have multiple wives. Is this going to determine that I will be going to hell? Should I be afraid to express these thoughts because, uh-oh, something bad is going to happen? Or, that I may convince myself that if I go pray now, everything will be alright?
Well I prayed. And I didn’t get anywhere, so many times over! When I say; “Ok, I’m taking God with me for good luck,” I get the worse luck! But, when I have a stupid object lying around and decide, “This is going to be my good luck charm,” everything goes well. Oh, but that’s right! It’s a supposed test! God tests us every day! But we don’t know how well we’re doing since how well do we determine how well we are as people? That goes for the importantly good decisions we make, even though the best decisions sometimes lead to worse things.
What is this rollercoaster? What the hell are we supposed to do? Now I feel; Great ‘L’ you just spoke your damn mind. Expect worse things to come to you. I could lose life at any second because God controls it, and this is the last thing I, or anyone else, would have said before death. Good job! Smart thinking.
I’m just confused. I have no one to blame so I’m just taking it out on God for now. Rollercoaster! I have just realized I’ve been talking for so long. The insanity! I would appreciate it if I could get just one good answer. Just one!
