Will You Divorce Me?
Posted by Kaleidoscope on January 5, 2008
Author: Jasem Copyright © 2008
Blog: www.extension5151.wordpress.com
Location: Kuwait
I think one of the major attributes to the society that we are witnessing with our own eyes today is the product of a broken Kuwaiti family. I have heard once that the divorce rate in Kuwait has reached the 60 plus percentile levels. Even if that number was wrong or was in line with the divorce rate, for instance, in the U.S. (51%), it is still an insane number. Just think of it, the chances of getting divorced in 2007 is so high that it’s no longer a calculated process or a flip of a coin where the chances are 50/50. This is where stats get really serious.
I think, when it comes to this society, it has to directly do with the way we are raised and with the kind of civil decay we are witnessing. I am in a constant mind-search trying to make sense of everything; I guess I was born this way, and trust me, I won’t stop until I reach a conclusion that I can really believe in which would make me content. The one thing that mind-boggles me is: Why is there such a high divorce rate in Kuwait? Mind you, these are only the declared divorces. There are so many cases of multiple wives, or emotional divorces (parents sleeping in separate beds). Also, it’s not as easy as in the western world for women to get divorced in Kuwait. The process can get really ugly. I’m sure many of you know exactly what I mean. Which means, if you can calculate the declared divorces, give the women who want out a chance, and add in the emotional divorces, you’ll have a divorce rate that is at a socially dangerous range. And, it is no longer a matter only to be discussed between people sitting and having a cup of coffee.
So, I propose this as one of the main catalysts that is fueling the problem. I see all around Kuwait lobbyists trying to segregate women and men from schools, trying to segregate classes at the university level and at every possible way they can get their hands on. What they have forgotten is the essence of every successful marriage which is communication. What we hear a lot is a household of a very aggressive or demeaning husband who cares not to communicate but cares only to demand what he thinks as his righteous deeds from his wife. The wife becomes not a companion, a friend, or a mother (in its purest sense), but she becomes ‘the wife,’ a term used commonly between men in this society.
You see, when you segregate men from women at such a young age (middle to high school), you are taking away the true essence of teaching a boy and girl how to communicate with one another. Enter the college phase, when boys and girls are in touch with their emotional side, remove that too and you find men driving down on Gulf Road like wolves looking for their pretties in the midst of the coldest winters. It is so sad.
Let me ask you this question: If you want to segregate men from middle to high school and all throughout college but want them to get along well at work and get married, do you think you are giving our society the chance to move on and create happy families and bonds that are truly unbreakable? What a shame!
I’m going to talk too much about politics that I promised myself I wouldn’t do as an agenda to starting a blog. But, I’ll tell you what. I drove today, minding my own business on the streets, and one car after another was filled with boys in their twenties driving like idiots, acting like animals, and showing no regard to anyone on the streets. The cause was that a few girls were just driving home from a lovely Kuwaiti morning outing.
Once called “the Pearl of the Middle East,” Kuwait now brings tears to my eyes.
January 5, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I like your post. I had the same experience while I was back in kuwait! I changed from a mixed school to a all boys school, and when I entered university I had to do a couple of projects with girls. It was tough like hell to speak to them in a proper way. I used to talk to them like I used to talk to guys. I was very aggressive with them too. So it did give me a bad reputation! I blame it all to the f***ed up society that we are living in.
about the marriage thing, I’ve seen many many of my friends which there parents don’t sleep in the same room, and they tend to fight a lot too! The 60% that you got is better estimated at 90%
January 5, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Actually, the divorce rate in the US is falling. Experts attribute it to two factors - people marrying later, and people not marrying at all.
A huge wedding celebration here was just cancelled; suddenly, even private wedding celebrations with music, in hotels, where people like husbands and wives might dance together are forbidden by . . . by whom? Some ministry? No one seems to know; they just know there is a change.
What makes you think these people want women in the workplace with men??
January 5, 2008 at 3:49 pm
True not only for Kuwait, but for every developed Muslim country where genders are segregated to the maximum, yet marriages can still be dissolved (like Qatar or UAE). The other ends of the spectrum are less developed Muslims countries where there divorce and its aftermath are extremely tough for women in every way (think Pakistan or Saudi) or less strict Muslim countries where genders interact freely (i.e. Lebanon, Turkey).
Nice essay.
January 6, 2008 at 12:13 am
Nicely stated. The original concept of marriage in many parts of the world was done when men and women only lived until about 30. Thus, marriage was bearable. Nowadays, marriage, especially monogamy, has become more of a career than a personal choice to many. Kuwait’s divorce rate is one of the highest in the world per capita. You have nailed many of the reasons to why. Others consist of little if no sexual/intimate experience to understand and appreciate longevity, or too much sexual know-how to be unemotionally invested. Another could be that the entire concept of marriage is more of socioeconomic ritual than a spiritual investment in this country.
Money and simple pleasures seem to be the most suitable marriage to many here.
Thank you for sharing
January 6, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Great piece.
Kuwait will continue to deteriorate as long as morals, selfishness & greed exist. This will transcend all future Kuwaiti generations which in turn will affect the young naive couples. As long as the idiots (majotity) run this country, the educated liberals (minority) will suffer the consequences.
God protect Kuwait.
January 6, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Don’t you think that living in extremes is another factor? People who are trying to shape up the policies of this country are pushing us in extremes. Is segregation a political or religious game?? If we fully separated the genders, would that lessen the level of sex offences and crimes, would it improve parenting skills, would it make us better responsible citizens?
Divorce, is another extreme and is the mere beginning of a questionable existence. I have lived in this country long enough to know that there is a social pressure not to ‘singly’ exist. You can’t have a coffee out on your own without being harassed. As an independent woman, the first social enquiry you receive in a gathering is when you will get married and start a family. When you are coerced in marriage, your intellectual independence is compromised and divorce is the ultimate escape.
Thank you jasem
January 6, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I think that instead of the issue always being divorced perhaps what we should talk about is commitment. Years ago it seemed that couples stuck it out through better or worse. I think people get married way too young and have not grown up or matured. I also feel that when couples stick together and are not so quick to divorce that their marriage becomes stronger.
I wish we could teach these things in our schools and show people just how much pain is involved when divorce happens.
I Dont Need A Man
January 14, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I think Tantalize got it right - three things are the major factors here:
1. Complete lack of experience coupled with (possibly) wrong expectations from sexual and emotional side of marriage
2. Too much experience “in the field” coupled with (definitely) wrong expectations from sexual and emotional side of marriage
3. People who get married in their 20ies are looking towards (all being well) a lifetime of 60 years together if not more. And a gazillion of kids.
I’ll add a few of my own:
4. Education and information. People in Kuwait now have better access to all sorts of information and they can see how “other” people do it, in Kuwait and abroad (thanks to the devil incarnate, WESTERN MEDIA).
5. People have money and extracurricular activities/interests.
6. Kitchen and other appliances coupled with maids in abundance. Married couples no longer have to be perpetually busy weaving, cleaning, cooking or I dunno, grinding wheat. They have time to do many other things, namely argue with their spouses.
January 18, 2008 at 7:53 pm
In my opinion, I think the society has become so spoiled with riches, to the point that they’ve forgotten how to behave. Men know they have the right to marry four wives…and they take that right, regardless of their financial status, or without regard to their wife or children’s feelings. They put themselves in a financial burden, causing hardship on both families…and when he’s had enough with the second one…he moves on. Ok….I get that….the men are allowed to marry four…..but can they afford it? Will it cause hardship on anyone? Did the first wife do anything to cause the man to seek another wife. They should follow the true Islamic Marriage law…..but most do not. They know this is their right….so they take it…regardless who gets hurt. And they fail to think about the wife’s right, or the children’s rights. ANd when they do marry many….they have no time with the children…or the wives. They pop in for a quickie….and then leave to out with with friends….so that they don’t have to deal with the wife and kids. They either sleep all day, or they’re gone all day. The wives are left with the burden of raising the kids and running the household and trying to keep the family together. It becomes a overwhelming burden on her, and she realizes that her life would be most simpler without the man in her life. Especially if come home, yells, screams, and puts fear into their lives….neglects them, and leaves them vulnerable. That is one reason divorce is so high. Women have had enough. They are tired of being just a hole to be poked whenever he is in the mood….and tired of being abused and mistreated, and tired of seeing the children being abused and mistreated. ANd tired of being their rug to wipe their feet on. They do not know how to respect or treat women with respect. The men do not know how to have a conversation. All they do is yell….and they want the woman to read their minds and know what they want, without having to ask for something. Women are beginning to say…Ï don’t have to take the abuse anymore”. I know, because I went through the abuse for 20 years. And he decided to marry another, …the third one…and I think another is on the way. SO, I left him. Not because he got a new wife….without my knowledge….but because he is irresponsible, neglectful, careless, and abusive without strong faith in Allah. Because if his faith was strong….he would never have abused us…or neglected us. If you look at how much time a Kuwaiti man spends with his family…in a month..or actually talks to them…you would be shocked by the low percentage. And that is just one of the reasons divorce rate is so high. SO, don’t wonder anymore. It’s obvious. The men take their “Right to marry four” to far, without thinking or weighing the consequences. Women are treated like their shoes. They buy a pair…they like them…wear them for a while…and decide that they’re not comfortable anymore, so they try another one…and enjoy them…oh so comfortable…then they decide that this pair doesn’t fit well with their distasha, so they search for another one. That is how easy it is for them. So….any more queries why the divorce rate is so high. Just take a good look around.
January 20, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Hadija, I love what you say, and I agree with you. This is why, as an Kuwaiti woman, I shy away from our men. If we really want to get technical about ‘rights,’ according to the laws of sharia, a man cannot take another wife without the consent of the first wife. So it’s not just only a question of being spoiled with riches but also a question of power, and the abuse of it, and a slanting of the laws.
January 21, 2008 at 2:14 am
Thank you “Just To Add” for your response. I wish we could change things here in Kuwait…for all women. How can these men get away with treating there wives so horribly? It just doesn’t make any sense. I am puzzled by the way the authorities turn a blind eye to this important issue. So, many women, Kuwaiti and foreign, are suffering ill-treatment on a daily basis in Kuwait. And nothing is being done about it. We are in the year 2008…time to move forward…not backwards. I wish more women would come forward with their stories and write to the Arabic and English Newspapers. Tell the people what is happening. I guess the women do not want people to know who they are. Well, let me tell you….they already know. Kuwait is small…so the stories get around very quickly…so if you think the abuse of women is a secret…think again. Now…let the right people know. Tell your stories. You can use these names: Broken Hearted; To Little To Late; Punching Bag; I’m not a rug; No Love No More: Lady Blue; So Sad Sally; Weeping Mama: and much more. You can put any name….just write your story and send it to the local Newspaper. If you can’t write very well…use the computer and use the spell checker. Your story may save a woman’s life. It may incourage more woman to come forward and talk. But be honest…and be sincere…when you write. I wrote many stories…but one woman cant make a difference. We need to let the authorities know what is going on…like they don’t know! We need your help. So…start writing and get those stories out there for the right people to see. Don’t keep it hidden anymore. We have had enough….don’t you think? Allah help us to make a difference.
January 21, 2008 at 1:31 pm
After a third reading to your post, I was strongly convinced that gender segregation is not the heart of the problem, if you are considering it as part of the divorce issue it would be true, otherwise I think you missed a lot.
it is true that separating men from women can contribute in the problem as I had studied all my school years in government schools basically girls schools so I had no real interaction with boys of my age only inside the family, so entering collage phase was a bit tough at the beginning feeling shy from my male colleague, that’s definitely true and affected my inner confidence.
I believe that the core of the problem exists inside the family house, how we are raised and on what morals and principle we were brought up with? Learning how to communicate with the opposite gender can start with the father / mother (the person who you look up to at an early age). Sigmund Freud in his concept found in psychoanalysis referring the Oedipus (boy) and Electra (girl) complex where basically how the child at a very early stage get attached to one of his parent as a way for molding their characters and inner sexual desire, looking for which parties has the power in the family, Freud links the boy child with the mother as the boy sees his mother having the power over the father sexually and intimately so eventually the child gains a pre- picture of his future wife, on the other hand the girl child was linked to the father at an early stage of her life as she sees that the father has the power on the mother sexually and as I strongly believe beside that Freud was more into the sexual aspect, I would add that the girl sees the father as the person who is in charge of the house, the protector and controller, so the mother would be in the girl’s picture as a weak and vulnerable member of the family as so the girl would draw a pre- picture of her future husband from the father.
From the very beginning of our lives as children what manipulates our characters, morals and principles all through our lives, is determined by our parents, if a child born and raised in a family where the father mistreats the mother or a mother mistreats a father then no wonder now we are suffering from a generation who is careless and so materialistic. Where the main bound between married couples has disappeared and marriage turned to be a frame holding a fake picture for the society. The man no longer considers the wife as his soul mate, better half, friend and equal partner who shares same feelings and desires as he does, but only look at his woman as a Wife only. On the other hand the wife does the same in placing her man in a corner under the name of the money provider coming back to the materialistic living. The man is no longer the protector or intimate soul mate, sadly this is the case now where most women choose their husbands according to their pockets and not their mental estate. So just have a look inside these broken families and I mean broken is by mother and father who lost their own way of how to communicate with each other humanly and pay attention that the children are the green eye watchers. And what they see and learn will mold their lives later.
thats what i believe according to how i was brought up.
January 22, 2008 at 9:04 am
Although I am infuriated by the idea of further segregating girls and boys in private educational institutions, I by no means see segregation as the main cause of rising divorce rates in this country.
I tend to agree with Denise on this matter. Marriage is about commitment through the good times and the bad and holding out when you think you can’t take anymore. It’s the concept of family and creating lasting bonds.
It seems that divorce is not the hushed taboo word that it used to be; neither men nor women have patience to work out problems in a relationship.
Having said that, I certainly would never advocate remaining in a physically or mentally abusive relationship whatever the cost to children or family. It can do more damage than good.
It may also help to create a list of available family/couples local counseling clinics if available.
February 3, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Good advice Jewaira.