Wisely Choosing a Kuwaiti Spouse
Posted by Kaleidoscope on October 8, 2006
Written by: Tantalize Copyright © 2006
How do Kuwaitis search for and meet potentially worthy spouses for marriage? They examine the concept of marriage first before the character of the person they want to marry. For marriage in Islam is primarily about procreating children for its faith than the faith of up keeping an individual’s personality. They also pre-fabricate an ideal image of all the qualities they’d like to see in that person, without wanting to think of any negative consequences of their choices far down the road. And they expect that person to instantly materialize from one or two shallow meetings, like going through a drive-through McDonald’s and expecting a presentably edible and conveniently delectable combo-meal.
They search for ‘Mr. and Ms. Right,’ when according to statistics and wisdom, these two often become “Mr. and Ms. Wrong’ a few years later. Sectarian, socioeconomic and educational backgrounds are also of top notch. There is little tolerance for pre-accepting and working with a person’s natural faults: historic promiscuity and reoccurring likely mistakes. Instead, a person’s artificiality and perfection are duly eyed. They expect a made-up doll as a total package that derives from impeccable attire with soft and unthreatening character, who is visually irresistible, monetarily flexible, religiously enduring, and someone parently indivisible.
Don’t many wonder why so many divorces are happening in our little country? Miscommunication, misanthropy, little varied premarital experience, interbreeding, high expectations (with little to show in turn), and closed-mindedness (stating one is ‘open-minded’ does not necessitate it: many Kuwaitis are only ‘slightly stretched-minded’) do not promise a healthy marriage. We have one of the highest divorce rates in the world per capita. So, before talking about equal rights and democracy for our country’s future, think about all of the unequal and undemocratic procedures, for instance, most choose for their marital futures. If you want a democratic country, then you should first choose who you want as a life partner, totally by your own will instead of the will of older generational pressure and abstract religious beliefs. These usually become insufficient when trying to maintain a companionship, instead of just maintaining a framework of a family. When the former is missing, the family, which is often symbolic of government, will start to show cracks and the foundation will irrevocably self-destruct.
Technorati Tags: Kuwait, marriage, sociology, Tantalize
AyyA said
When I first designed my house (yes I did that), I made sure that it looked much appealing from inside than out since the family spends more time in than out. I also made sure that the rooms were spacious enough for a good retreat, yet cozy enough with comfort zones for the residents. Many were taken aback because I did not make provisions for large gatherings; no huge salas and saloons, although I could have afforded to do that.
Many marriages in Kuwait resemble those big spacious buildings where the family is crumbled in a small space while the rest of the building is ignored as huge saloons made to impress visitors.
Saroonism said
I totaly agree wth you…Divorce and failed love life are destroying people from the inside..this subject is ruining lives..Aham shay in living with someone else is LOVE!!! Its everything! From it comes respect..care..hoensty etc
erzulie said
Saroonism I have to disagree. Love is important, but mutual respect and admiration is one of the fundamental firsts that need to be reached by both partners. You can love someone without respecting them; you can be in love one day and fall out the next. Loving someone is different than being in love with them. Love is a beautiful, intoxicating and blinding thing and one has to be very cautious in taking his/her permanent steps to marital life because what we’re seeing now in Kuwait, young couples are being overwhelmed by these fairy tale feelings and soon enough, are engulfed with the harsh reality of their marriage’s responsibilities. Emotional and mental maturity are needed yet unfortunately, many partnerships today fail because both parties do not realize the amount of, again, responsibility one is obligated to.
erzulie said
And Tantalize:
I agree. The older generation usually married for creating a family and in other words, to breed. Today, the young generation is quickly jumping on the “We’re in Love” bandwagon i.e. the opposite steps taken to marriage when compared to their parents and even grandparents who approached marriage as a social obligation and not a partnership between two individuals who were in love (in any which way, although today, we see more focus on one’s outer rather than inner features).
There is an obvious imbalance. One has to recognize his/her partner’s character, family’s values, and making as well as accept the possibilities of raising a little family.
The lack of maturity in our country is saddening…
tantalize said
Ayya: What a great metaphor. Our minds on this subject are on parallel tracks.
Saroonism: Is love also ever enough, though? ;^)
Erzulie: Although I recognize your attempt of making out your rendition of marriage to be sound, it isn’t. Can you personally find many healthy marriages out there? If so, I advise you to look through its transparency regardless of how you envision marriage should be. Where there is monogamy, there are usually shameful secrets. Where there is love (or mutual respect), there are lies. Where there is a facade, there isn’t much surfaced truth.
Try to also live with a person you might love and see if your perception of love/respect changes.
Thanks all.
cixousianpanic said
“Where there is monogamy, there are usually shameful secrets. Where there is love (or mutual respect), there are lies. Where there is a facade, there isn’t much surfaced truth.” –> 3ash tantalize! right on! Finally someone who wants to say the truth without sugar coating.
No thoughts on the issue of marriage. It’s a huge charade.
Saroonism said
yea..i meant being in love..with that special someone makes it enough…from it comes respect and admirations…they all are ‘froo3′ mn il 7ob..it can make everything work…im a true believer in love..it is an important thing to lay the foundation of marriage..marriage is like building a wall..a big component of that wall is love..respect..honesty..etc if something is not there that wall will crumble! Although we have alooott of failed marriages we have successful marriages that include love as a huge factor. We should be opptimistic about this..i hope successful marriages increase in kuwait and people know how to choose their spouse without ma9la7a as in just looks or family heritage!
samaha said
Interesting article. I am a Bosnian-American, in my culture both in America and Bosnia, dating and falling in love were quite normal behaviors. Actually, here in America it was a little more difficult to date than it was in Bosnia as when the relationship had reached a certain point, the relatives would start whispering “he’s never going to marry her”.
I was a bit shocked when some of my non-Bosnian muslim friends referred to my marriage as (insert judgemental tone here) “a love marriage”. Yes, my husband and I fell madly in love. Yes, we fell in love and we chose each other, even at the dislike of my husbands father, we married each other. I couldn’t picture marrying someone that I wasn’t in love with, in which that marriage wasn’t based on love.
I was brought up to value marriage. I was brought up to understand that their is a difference between butterflies and love. I was brought up to value family. I was brought up with the understanding that marriage is something that needs to be nurtured and worked on, that it doesn’t just maintain itself. I was brought up in Islamic values and those are the things that held our marriage together for these past 17 years.
“Love” itself is not the answer to lower divorce rates. You still have to fight to stay in love, you have to have that devotion to it.
erzulie said
Tantalize: A “Perfect Marriage” doesn’t exist. But people learn to compromise out of love. And yes, I DO know of a few good marriages. How? The people who got hitched are family and I know them like the back of my hand and I SEE how they interact with their spouses and it is THEM who informed be of the fact that no marriage is perfect.
I don’t mean to be out of line here but viewing marriage in such a cynical manner means that the person has been scarred by a life altering union and not in a good way; that person is broken and has no faith or trust in marriage ever since that event.
Maybe by viewpoint on marriage is objective since I have never been married or been in a relationship for that matter but if I ever do commit to someone and if that doesn’t last, I will try my best to learn and not crawl back into my shell and diss the whole institution. That’s a bit cowardly when I have relatives who are happily married, and that’s a fact.
tantalize said
Samaha: That was a beautiful description. I truly thank you. I enjoy the mix of following Islamic upbringing yet opening doors to love as you’ve described. Sadly in Kuwait it’s a little different. It’s tribal here even if many of the families claim to be modernized. When men look for marriage here, it’s like searching for the perfect car, with all of the options they seek, without ever test driving it, yet from the same dealership (clan/status/religious sect). That’s traditional marriage here. The courts are having such a problem that for every time a person gets a marriage contract, three sign up for divorce. It’s an incredible phenomenon for such a small country/Islamic state.What might be love in the west is infatuation/falling in love here because many haven’t had the opportunity to experience love’s shades through different phases of love with different people to know how to maintain it in such a difficult enterprise as marriage with one. And that’s when the cracks appear which unite with the other problems this society is facing. Temporarily cementing the cracks won’t solve the foundational problem.
Erzulie: ‘[H]appy marriages’ are an over statement and outright oxymoron. Whoever tells you they are happy are perhaps usually socially optimistic and naive women or men who are hiding certain facts from you; maybe because of your age. The entire institution of marriage (strict contractual monogamy) is NOT made to work. It’s like religion. It’s an unnatural man-made guideline. How many people do you know of who strictly follow it? Few. Marriage has been going down ever since its conception. Maybe us humans are not designed through nature and or nurture to be with just one person intimately, and for such a long period of time!
And to view marriage through a negative lense does not necessarily mean that I have been through it and disliked it. What you fail to realize is how men (and sometimes women) can be secretive in hiding their infidelities whilst married. When they have a mistress or ‘other,’ it actually creates ‘happiness’ in the marriage because it gives adequate balance to it. Without the latter, marriage can become stale and that is when miscommunication, missignals, deliberate confusion arise because it doesn’t just become about ‘trust,’ but more about subconsciously wanting to withhold and perhaps cheat and lie. Humans are natural risk-takers; especially men. Being boggled down with one woman for decades without knowing what other women taste like is just plain unnatural. People do not necessarily cheat because of problems in marriage; maybe because they need variety to make their life more meaningful. And all of this is so appropriate to Kuwait because most people marry their extended family or out of social status necessity. Our divorce rate is around 70% now and don’t forget that we only have 3.2 million people in this country; with 1 million Kuwaitis. Most of that 70% are Kuwaiti!
Abdurahman said
I think families helping young adults to meet isn’t wrong. What’s wrong when these young adults are forced to marry someone. Another problem is that many of the young adults are spoiled, spending most of their time driving around and in malls, and learnt little in the way of judging peoples character rather than looks.
So what alternatives are their for the family arranged marriages – discuss
glow said
Why marry a Kuwaiti – There are Muslims all over the world yet we only look in our tiny communities.
samaha said
Tantalize,
Your description of how Kuwaitis marry is not at all different than how many Muslims here in the United States marry. Honestly, I was shocked to learn how many of my Muslim female peers that were born here had arranged marriages. It was something that was part of their culture and something that was adhered to. Listening to the stories of the marriage proposal letter/contract being delivered was completely shocking to me.
You do have a point that they are not accustomed to dating and having different relationships to learn how to make a relationship work. I do remember that sometime back, though that arranged marriages such as these were succesful with these countries having low divorce rates. I’m assuming that this is a new phenomena of the past decade or so and this is the Kuwaiti silent revolt to cultural traditions that negate human wants and needs.
It just may be wise if their was some sort of counseling system available within the public education system, possibly a character building course (something that the US has adapted in some of its schools) in which children could be taught some basics on relationships, respect, equality.
tantalize said
AbdulRahman: I think we should allow our youth more of a chance to date before ever contemplating marriage. They have to be given the chance to trust themselves without being overly chaperoned. Telling them it’s wrong and unIslamic is not enough. They need to experience life on their own without the dictatorship of religion. Each generation is different, and no matter how much parents try to shield their children from doing anything premaritally ‘wrong,’ it’s no guarantee that they won’t. Here’s something to ponder: why is it socially acceptable for Muslim men to have premarital sex/affairs (when in Islam it’s sinful) while for women it’s not?
Glow: True indeed! The irony is that many Kuwaiti children’s mothers aren’t Kuwaiti to begin with. They are mostly naturalized so many Kuwaiti men already marry non-Kuwaitis. How do you explain that?
Samaha: I wish we had an adequate marital counselling as well. But we don’t. In fact, one of my students after graduation and at only 22 years of age got a job as a marriage counselor in the local Ministry of Justice, where marriage and divorce procedures/documentations take place. Mind you that she had never been in any relationship with a man when she accepted this position (from what she had told me). Imagine the older couples that were her perhaps father’s/mother’s age who came in to divorce to only have a person their daughter’s age giving them advice for not getting divorced.
Nothing makes sense here.
Abdurahman said
tantalize,
Certainly there’re serious social issues in the Arab world particularly in the gulf, alchohol is availabe everywhere but socially is unaccaptable, prostituion, gays/lesbians especially among the young and of course domestic worker abuse – should all this be allowed as well?
The major problem is mixing Islam with these social ills. Islam says no premarital relationships but also stresses the importance of marriage at early age. But Arab societies have made that difficult nowadays and marriage is only viable when you’re in your late 20s or 30s (i.e. high cost of “Mahar” which Islam is against). There is also the mistaken believe that it’s Ok for boys to do whatever (though premarital sex is still not acceptable), but of course girls aren’t all that innocent either. The point is that Islam needs to be taken as whole, not mixed with culture then call it Islam (for example, in premarital sex Islam doesn’t differentiate between male or female, culture does). The social ills have to be solved at root level and that would require some painful changes and I don’t think these corrupt regimes have the competence or the will to do so.
Please check the links below to see what would happen if premarital relationships were the norm in Kuwait.
http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/681_1159.asp
http://www.ashastd.org/learn/learn_statistics.cfm
tantalize said
AbdulRahman: I agree with you about tackling the problem at the roots. In my previous post “American Hegemony in the Gulf,” I address the problem of how Islam is being misused with that of western democracy in the Gulf. And if you want to read further on my own blog, I have “ANALyzing it” which addresses the huge anal sex problem we have in Kuwait and the Gulf. This may shed light on unreported statistics of STDs and the like, women included. Also, many of the married Muslim men who travel and engage in promiscuous sex actually spread it through their wives, and for the married women who cheat, they inject it right back in a vicious cycle.
What we need here is sex education so that people can learn to have self-respect and self-discipline which might disuade people from wanting to engage in sex with knowing the side effects. We don’t, though.
For better or worse « Samaha said
[...] “Don’t many wonder why so many divorces are happening in our little country? Miscommunication, misanthropy, little varied premarital experience, interbreeding, high expectations (with little to show in turn), and closed-mindedness (stating one is ‘open-minded’ does not necessitate it: many Kuwaitis are only ‘slightly stretched-minded’) do not promise a healthy marriage. We have one of the highest divorce rates in the world per capita. So, before talking about equal rights and democracy for our country’s future, think about all of the unequal and undemocratic procedures, for instance, most choose for their marital futures. If you want a democratic country, then you should first choose who you want as a life partner, totally by your own will instead of the will of older generational pressure and abstract religious beliefs. These usually become insufficient when trying to maintain a companionship, instead of just maintaining a framework of a family. When the former is missing, the family, which is often symbolic of government, will start to show cracks and the foundation will irrevocably self-destruct.” [...]
Abdurahman said
tantalize,
How interesting? You’re pointing out to premarital sex as the problem, and your proposed solution is “Lets have more of it”
tantalize said
AbdulRahman: You misread. I am stating that sex education can help to make a person more aware and ready to have responsible sex if he ever chooses to; whether before or during marriage. No one and no religion can ever stop someone from wanting to try sex. However, if we could sexually educate people, then they may turn to resist it before marriage and or will be very careful whenever they choose to engage in sex. That would entail being consciously defensive and conscientiously offensive. Simply dismissing the concept of sex to our youth like many elders do will not solve why so many are curious about it.
Miseducation about sex or no education at all can be more harmful. That is what the Gulf faces. Whenever someone has AIDS, for instance, they deprive/shun the person without heavily educating the victim and the public of the reasons why/how this happens. He just becomes a scapegoat. STDs are widely spread in Kuwait but not officially reported. And anal sex does not help curve temporarily virtual sexual intercourse. Arabs are notorious for anal sex and more notoriously ignorant of the repercussions.
A.Q.Rahmany said
assalam u alikum i just visited this blog inetersted ,however i am surprised lots of discusions about sex ,if we do soemmore discusion about faith ,deen ,and commands of Qur’An and ahaadeth of rasolullah
[peace be upon him ]and educate our self and our youth with. insha’ALLAH we are not going to have problems in our community and in our nations may ALLAH give us the [hedaaya] to do so . please forgive me if my comments are out of the topic
thank you all.
Abdurahman said
tantalize,
Lets pursue your argument, teaching sex education doesn’t solve the problem of STD, because if does, it would have helped reduced STD infections in the US for example but the fact of the matter is STD is increasing in the US despite of the sex education and condomns.
While you’re calling for you’re proposing the young to have more sex, in the US abstinence is the solution to all the problems created by premarital sex.
Another questions I would like your take on is, why didn’t this problem exist say 30-50 years ago? I think proper teaching and practice of Islam is the only solution (indeed to all the other problems including an end to the dictatorship in Kuwait), but that’s difficult because it will require the parents and the older generations to practice themselves (it entails encouraging marriage at a younger age … etc).
Parents in the US favor Absitenance education
http://www.family.org/welcome/press/a0024656.cfm
tantalize said
AbdulRahman: Nothing will completely solve the problem to sexual diseases or even practicing or refraining from sex. And please do not make presumptions about me calling for more of the young to have sex. Abstinence is also not a permanent solution.
Islam would definitely NOT be the only solution to resolving sexual problems, nor will Sharia Law as a political system. Sharia Law would be terrible. Why? Because humans are too imperfect to impose something perfect (the Quran). Humans will always be corrupt and corruptible. There is not one, none, Muslim country that practices Islam the way it should be. That should tell you something not only about the people who are in and seek power, but how difficult it to manifest something that can’t be matched: perfection.
Having democracy; the true power of the people, and not any one religion would be a better solution. Actually Islam should be completely divided from politics as it is in Turkey.
For the article about abstinence that you provide, that is only one survey. The US is notorious for plethoras of surveys on the same issue with large marginal errors and or discrepencies.
I wonder if you have ever lived in the US because it doesn’t seem so. If you had lived there long enough to know it, then you wouldn’t have used such limited references that seem to be mostly Internet-proned.
Hadija said
I agree, education is the key.