Feeling like Crap after a Nap
Posted by Kaleidoscope on April 13, 2006
I wake up. What? What time is it? What day? What year? Oh, now I remember. I swing the door open, go to the bathroom, and lean on the sink. I look up and start to think. Why did I walk in here in the first place? I walk out. I sit on the exhausted couch in the living room. Roommate shows up. We have a casual conversation. Why are you laughing? Oh, I’m in nothing but a pair of boxers. So what? I open laptop. I slam laptop shut. I look for remote, but give up sooner than I thought. Roommate leaves. I wear a t-shirt and pair of shorts, reach for my cigarette pack and lighter, grab my lawn chair, and walk to the front door.
I lethargically unfold the chair and post it on the ground. I sit down. I pull one out, light it, and take a drag. Just then, the reasons why I smoke are justified once again; unlike people, it’s there whenever I need it. People are walking down the stairs. I seem to be a novelty to them. I can sense them already formulating a stereotype under which they want to label me. I squint, take another drag, and go back to being passive, empty, irrational, and indifferent.
I’m too lazy to even think about… stuff. So I stay blank. Substance? No thanks. No ID, no real achievements, no goals or hopes whatsoever, and definitely no meaning or feelings. This is what it did to me. I had to find out the hard way; “friends,” “love,” “success,” “justice,” all relative, all words we came up with to give ourselves a false sense of worth and/or belonging. I chose not to believe in them anymore way back when they all seemed to make some -if any- sense. I’m done explaining myself. Tired of being “out there.” Maybe I should just keep whatever I have to say to myself. It’s safer that way for you and me. So let it be.
I take the last drag, flick the thing to the ground, step on it, and go back in. Sorry, but you’re staying “out there;” you’re not coming back in with me. It’s for the best, trust me.
You can keep it up for a while, but in the end, you’ll eventually get sick of playing pretend.
April 13, 2006 at 1:02 am
your words are so true, at times me wakes up feeling the way you felt…i guess sleeping no longer helps it just adds to the ups and downs in life :(….i hope you feel better and got to say i liked your phrase “you can keep it up for a while but in the end you’ll eventually get sick of playing pretend.”…experience taught the least of people this :(…oh well i say forget about your troubles and enjoy the day though the nap didnt help you smile and pretend…..something
joyus happened or blah blah blah of what i say 
April 13, 2006 at 9:34 am
I loved it. And I really can relate to this.
I don’t take naps, though.
April 13, 2006 at 10:53 am
Sometimes I guess everyone feels like that. I do too, at times. And it usually only lasts until I find another reason to play pretend.
April 14, 2006 at 12:44 am
i loved it the first time i read it, and i loved it again now…. dont ever stop writing fedo!
April 14, 2006 at 11:21 am
Yes, it seems the most part of people feel the same… at least sometime. But usually people “play pretend”, that its not so. Very few are able to tell about it.
Just wanted to say - nice short prose, Fedo, woud like to read more.