The End of the Affair
Posted by Kaleidoscope on January 11, 2006
from you and the world you lured me into. Exciting, tantalising and unpredictable world that made my heart beat so loud I couldn’t sleep at night. The same world that forced all traces of reason from my mind and turned me into a raving lunatic. I got lost in you and in your world and I didn’t look for a way out. I loved you as I have never loved anyone before. I loved you as no one has ever loved me. You didn’t love me as much as I did, but you came very close to it. Or maybe I only imagined it because I wanted it so badly, because I needed you to love me just the way I loved you. Yes, you were as selfless and wanton in this relationship as I was. You and I both went absolutely crazy. We existed only for each other and for our love, our madness.
How did it happen? How could it end just like that just when we were thinking about another year together? I don’t know. All I know is that it’s over.
I knew it was over when, after not hearing from you all day, I didn’t send a test message to my own phone to check whether the service was down again. And when I noticed that, it hit me. All the little pieces of the puzzle came together and I knew: I was no longer your prisoner. I knew it when you took your wife shopping to Milan and it didn’t hurt me as much as it had 6 months ago. I knew it when, after telling my husband I was going to my usual weekly pottery class, I actually went to a pottery class for the first time and enjoyed it. And you weren’t even busy at the time. I knew it when my phone bill was less than a thousand riyals for the first time since I had met you. When my daughter ran into the room while I was chatting with you and instead of sending her away, I left the chat. I knew it when I cooked a meal at home from scratch after a very long period of erratic last minute takeaways and microwave dinners. I knew it when I absentmindedly kissed my husband on the cheek while watching a movie together, and he pulled me close and hugged me tight… and it felt good. I knew it right then. And for the first time today, when you said you had to go, I didn’t ask you as I always do to stay five minutes longer. You felt it then, too.
I still love you, I guess I always will. I am just not obsessed anymore. I know now that I could live without you, and I could even be happy with my husband again. I don’t regret a thing. You are a good man, and my respect and admiration for you will never fade. You have shown me more love in these two and a half years than most people will ever see in a lifetime. Together we learned so much. But I know now that we will move on. We owe it to ourselves and each other.
January 10, 2006 at 10:45 pm
Brilliant.
January 10, 2006 at 10:57 pm
You are a good man, and my respect and admiration for you will never fade.
I know someone whom I feel the exact same way about. I will always think he is a good man, even though it is impossible for us to accept each other as we are on a permanent basis. As much as deep passion and pure adoration can keep a man and a woman glued to eachother, it will eventually melt into a reality check, manifesting itself as a need for stability and a sense of security.
Qatar Cat, if this was based on a true experience, then I hope the narrator can find more love in her husband than any passing affair. In my opinion, infatuation does not hold a candle next to the love of a man who will stick with you through and through.
January 10, 2006 at 11:19 pm
touching…
but the “I dont regret a thing” kind of disturbs me.
January 11, 2006 at 4:21 am
I wish I could see beauty in this writing or learn something from this, but all I see is adultery. And then I see a lack of regret. I think the narrator’s husband has been “debauched”.
January 11, 2006 at 9:10 am
THIS is proof that life shattered, love lost and solace found is one way the soul heels its self.
She has not learned to love her husband but to love her self with him, around him and next to him. The other man no longer serves a purpose in this transition. Her role in her existing life is bigger and fuller and THIS IS WHAT WOMEN NEED.We want to feel needed, wanted and comforted.
It might be vanity but it feels awesome.
THANK YOU!
January 11, 2006 at 12:05 pm
I see her subconsciously loving the two in two different ways through two different time periods, as one. Validation seems to tilt her from one to the other. What is interestingly not provided is why she started the affair to begin with, to make her later come back to her husband. Did her marriage grow stale for her to initiate the infidelity? Did the adultery eventually make her value secure love instead of dangeruous lustful love? Was the affair a marriage in it’s own right? Is going back to her husband and family infidelity in itself?
I believe,yes, to all.
I believe she’s more unknowingly in love with the mystery of love than who specifically may provide it at the moment.
Thanks for rejolting my senses Qatar Cat. They’ve been napping for a while.
January 11, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Thanks everyone for your comments! And I absolutely love the picture that comes with the story!
Mushmushi, you are absolutely right, and when infatuation wears off, all you’re left with is broken pieces. The intensity of it is what lures people into affairs. That’s what happened to the woman in my story.
Commercial Delight, now that I think it over, it kind of disturbs me too! :^) But why regret something we have done? We can’t change the past. Is it better than regretting something we haven’t done?
Anon, yes, yes and yes. It’s whatever you choose to see.
Shrink, you got it! You summarised all the reasons for all her actions in your comment. Yes, souls heal. It just takes an awfully long time..
Tanta, you provide an interesting insight into it. Do you think that love has an expiry date? That real, intense passion and feelings wear off? I am not sure, but it seems likely. So if it happens in the marriage when two people are joined by much more than just passion, the relationship will still go on, on a slightly different level. But if it’s an affair, then this passion has nothing to develop, evolve into. I haven’t decided yet why she started the affair to begin with. Maybe I will write about it next! :^)
January 11, 2006 at 4:47 pm
Qatar Cat, it was interesting. But everything is said, so I just want to tell:
“After years of insanity, I am finally free” - it sounds optimistic for me now…
Nice & thank you, Koshka:)
January 12, 2006 at 12:50 am
Brilliant QC.You never cease to amaze me with what goes on that mind of yours.One moment you are all whacky & the next moment you come with some true gems about life.Proud to be your friend.:)
January 12, 2006 at 12:01 pm
It is a good feeling when you sense that you are not attached that specific person any more. Attachment is the cause of our own enslavement. That was palpable in your post. And yes, no regrets, because regret causes destruction, it’s for losers. But the narrator accepted that as a hand’s on experience of which she learned to be contented with whatever she got. This was very deep and moving QC. And I loved your writing, keep it up.
January 12, 2006 at 7:28 pm
Enjoyed it
January 13, 2006 at 12:47 am
I totally disagree with the idea that you should “never regret” anything, wrong or right. Whatever the lesson is, if you don’t feel the “ouch” of having done something wrong or something that hurt yourself or someone you love you are very likely to repeat the same mistake. The feeling of regret leaves a healthy amount of fear within you that helps you refrain from committing the same mistake twice. This is not to say you ought to obsess about your mistakes because guilt is the most self-destructive emotion humans cans have. But not to regret at all may indicate that you really missed the point.
January 13, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Interesting comments, thanks everyone! :^)
Ayya, you and I share the same ideas and understanding. Instead “Why, oh why did I do it, I really shouldn’t have…” we say “Ok, so it happened, it was great fun (or horrible thing to do), it’s over now, and now I can move on, smarter and more experienced than before”.
Zinzinq8, oh I bet the girl in the story did regret a thing or two. But I don’t think she missed the point at all. It’s just that the point is different depending on the person. Perhaps she is glad she went through this to realise what’s really important. Or maybe, she knows now that what she has is not enough and never will be, and more drastic actions are required… who can tell? And who has the right to judge? :^) And yes, I totally agree that screwing things up and not regretting anything is NOT the best way to go about life. We live, we make mistakes, we learn from them. It’s just the choice of words, after all.
Sever, Jaguu, Warda - glad you liked it! Thanks for your comments, guys :^)
January 13, 2006 at 7:39 pm
“People say infatuation doesn’t last for long. But how long is that? A glance, a minute, a train ride, a week of nine to fives? I say infatuation can last way longer than that. In my case, it took years to get over you.
Perhaps “infatuation” IS love.
January 22, 2007 at 1:59 pm
What a familiar story this is, QC.
For this woman, the end came possibly because she had got/taken what she needed at that time from the relationship and was ready to move on.
On the other hand, two and a half years is a lot longer than some marriages last. Sometimes the time is just not right, no matter how deep the feelings are. Most people are on a schedule of some sort, biological or otherwise, and in a situation like this one, it seems to me that those imperatives rarely coincide.
January 29, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Hello!
Nice site
Bye
February 2, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Great story. Atleast she found peace. True, she had to walk off the path to find it, but she finally found her place. Some never find their way. They just keep searching. Excellent QC.